Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
