i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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