I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
