I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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