I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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