I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
