if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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