when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Are we still banned from the library?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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