too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
