somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
