her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
