Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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