I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My vagina is very pro this idea
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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