I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
