Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
