alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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