when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
