i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
