i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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