so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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