woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
