I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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