Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
