meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
