rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
