guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
FUCK WHALES
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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