She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
