Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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