The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
