I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize