god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
