whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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