glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
