your parents love me but you hate me
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
