im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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