When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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