did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
