I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
