Jerry, you need to find god
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
