Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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