At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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