I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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