Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
