then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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