he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We have started to decorate penises.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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