pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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