I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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