Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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