No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
