i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
