If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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